Ctrl+Alt+Del

Control.

Alt. Delete. When you hear those words together, you immediately think of it as a fix. A fix for your computer when it freezes and doesn't work up to its full speed. But what about applying those same words to life in general? I recently saw a motivational post with the words "Control yourself. Alter your thinking. Delete negativity." The words struck a chord with me and I began to wonder how we could apply that principle to our own journey. So the idea evolved a bit to "Control Your Emotions. Alter your Habits. Delete your negativity." (Because let's face it, negativity has to go no matter what so that original idea had to stay.) It's something that can be applied to both how Alex needs to work going forward as well as how those of us supporting him have to stay focused working towards our family goals.

Control Your Emotions Let's start in the support role. Even for me, controlling emotions is very hard. I do much better at writing them out than I do expressing them openly in any kind of effective way. Strong emotions are difficult to hide for me and as a result, I let my frustration and fears beknown without intending to do so. When I'm in the support role for Alex, he often sees me crying out of frustration as the fear builds as to what his life will be like as he grows older. He gets upset. I get upset. It's a vicious cycle. For Alex, emotions are hard to control for many reasons. For one, he learns the behavior from me. Hence why it's key that I have to change for him to change. Also, he's 6. Life is hard to figure out and overwhelming so emotions creep up when you least expect it, especially at this young age. He also has difficulty regulating the world around him through his senses (SPD) so any outside influence can be a trigger. When triggers are overwhelming, it's easy to let his emotions take over. The emotion is usually fear for him and the outlet to release that fear is often crying, hitting or throwing things. (And no the throwing and hitting are not learned from me. He just gets his crying from me!) So how do we learn to control those emotions? Brainstorming a few ideas, I'm hoping the following steps will be beneficial to both him and I to be able to do this together.

1) Talk about feelings. We can't expect others to understand what our feelings are if we don't talk about them. By discussing them during non-stressful events so we are able to recognize them in each other during a stressful situation can lead to better understanding between us.

2) Know how to cope. Once we can identify the negative emotion in ourselves and in each other, we need to be able to recognize what coping strategy would work to turn the situation around. For Alex, we know that watching an episode of Puppy Dog Pals is a very effective coping strategy for him.

3) Practice. It does make perfect after all, right? Perhaps we role play a feeding situation with our toy kitchen and how we might react to trying a new food. Perhaps we read a story book about food like Michael Gordan's Picky Eater or Yolen and Wood's How do Dinosaurs Eat Their Food.

4) Catch each other in control. Instead of focusing completely on the negative (because we're trying to rid ourselves of negativity aren't we?), make a game out of catching each other in control of our emotions. If Alex is able to walk away from something his brother has done to make him angry, give him a high five. If he sees me react calmly to someone not putting their clothes in the hamper (not that I would EVER get angry about something like that!), he gives me a hug. Reward positive reactions to otherwise negative situations with more positive emotions.

Alter Your Habits Perhaps our biggest obstacle is how predictable our day to day lives are. We have let ourselves fall into a rut especially when it comes to meal time. The longer you do something, the longer it will take to stop. Some say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit, but for us realistically I can expect 6 months or better of fighting for change to actually happen. As parents, we need to lead the charge for the family to create new habits when it comes to food. I am admittedly a picky eater myself, although not to quite the same degree by any means as Alex. I can't expect to ask Alex to face his fears with food if I can't do it myself. The other night, we attempted to have Alex try a bite of a blueberry nutrigrain bar. This is a food that was a former safe food of his but not something I would eat myself. So there we stood in the bathroom, because he outright refused to try at the kitchen table. He was crying because he thought it smelled weird and I could see the tension building. I took the bar from him and showed him all he had to do was take a bite which he could spit right back out which was way out of my own comfort zone. A habit that I'm going to have to get accustomed to quickly if I am to help guide him on his path to recovery. For Alex, one of his habits is to eat by himself and on his own timetable. We have tried implementing things where he has to at least be a part of our family meals, whether he eats or not. With school fast approaching, having a more rigid eating schedule with less grazing will be easier to establish. I know he's going to be hungry when he comes home, so allowing a snack is going to have to be part of his routine. We will have to limit the time in the kitchen so that when dinner time does come, he can join us and try eating meals with us, whatever those meals for him end up being.

Delete Your Negativity I am guilty of this maybe just as much if not more than Alex is. That downward spiral is easy to get caught up in. Instead of saying that things "can't change", I have to start saying that they "need to change" or "it'll take time, but we can get there" and formulate a real plan to make that happen.

Saying that Alex can't add new foods to his diet, just isn't true. I know it's possible. What is true is that it is difficult to do. Very difficult, but possible. Look at how he got PediaSure added to his diet. In the hospital, I was in tears telling the doctor that changing his diet to resolve his health concerns was equivelant to a death sentence. Talk about negativity. I believed that when I said it. Part of me still does. It's that fear that won't ever go away. But my husband's determination to make a change and getting on board with the plan, proved that I was wrong. It's not impossible. Just more difficult than anything else we've ever had to do as parents is all. For Alex, if you ask him if he can try a new food or drink, he'll immediately tell you no. His talk always goes to what's wrong with something. The smell is bad. It feels weird. There's a broken corner or a burned edge. My job going forward is to redirect that thought.

"Tell me what you do like about it." "Can you tell me how it's like something else that you eat?" "What do you think would make it better?" This isn't an easy road at all. Each day is different from the last and what triggers anxiety today may not have the exact same reaction tomorrow but may be 10x's more traumatic next week then it was last.

My pledge to Alex is that together we will learn to take control of our emotions so we can alter our habits and ultimately delete our negativity surrounding all things food in our house. He will never be alone and will always have his family in his corner reminding him to turn the "can't ever's" in his head to "maybe later's" because not every battle is going to be able to be fought and won the first time it's encountered. Together we will stop, retool and try again until we get it right.