DOR - Division of Responsibility

This is something that one of the support groups I'm in focuses a lot on. Division of Responsibility or DOR. Simply put - the adult is responsible for what, when and where and the child is responsible for how much and if at all. Some of the ideas behind DOR I can get behind without issue at all while others I struggle with. My biggest fault, as I have previously confessed is dealing with the when. I can make sure he is offered foods even though I know he's going to respond with "you know I won't eat that" every single time I try. I can make sure he eats in the same place, just not necessarily with the rest of us at the designated time. He has control though of how much of the food offered he wants to eat and he is allowed to say no to something if presented with an "unsafe" option. Another aspect, according to the poster I have copied below, that I fail at is "not to cater to their likes and dislikes." In the group I belong to, we stress that while we offer the foods that everyone else is eating, we are responsible for making sure they have a safe food available to them and if that's all they eat, then we've done our job by providing the option but they've done theirs by making the choice. But the wording of not catering makes me feel like we're not following the DOR principles as they are truly intended. Do I cater to him? Heck, yes I do. Perhaps that's the fear and anxiety in me that him starving himself will cause a repeat hospital admission. When you see the fear in your child's eyes that the chicken nugget on their plate is going to be the absolute death of them, it's hard to push past that and not let them eat whatever just to get the calories he needs to consume. Catering to their dislikes? Well, just look at how we warn him if we're eating cereal so he knows not to come into the room. Goes back to what I mentioned before that I would much rather make sure that he was comfortable and have a pleasant experience associated with food than to cause a panic attack. And yes, they are nothing short of a panic attack.

Some parenting experts will say that to introduce a new food, you have to present it 10 to 20 times for the child to become familiar with it. If it ONLY took 10 to 20 times, this whole ordeal would be a cakewalk for us. In reality, we might have to present something closer to 200 times for him to hold it in his hands without fear. That's not even putting it in his mouth to consume it. It makes the whole presenting a meal task a dreaded experience all around. We spend a lot of time trying to make the meal time pleasant that much of the other stuff surrounding it gets tossed out the window. With anxiety being a key player, we have to downplay the fear first before anything else. We have a TV going with his favorite show, his tablet with his favorite video from his favorite YouTube star or his favorite song from his favorite movie playing in the background. I'm hoping that all our efforts focused on this one area of DOR will be enough to let us slowly work on the other pieces. Have you tried DOR? I would love to hear about your experiences and if it's created any positive change at your dinner table.

For a printable handout about Division of Responsibility, click here or see http://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/ for more information.