What Special Needs Families Really Want in Terms of Help from Friends and Family

If you are a friend or family member of a special needs family, whether that special need is an eating disorder as is our case or a different physical or mental limitation, you may have no idea how important your support is to us in the trenches. The help most of us need, is pretty simple in terms of what we're looking for.

1. Offer to babysit! Give mom & dad the opportunity to have a date night. Give mom the chance to go grocery shopping. Give mom the chance for a nap. Offer to let the parents drop them off by you or swing by and fold some laundry while you're there.

2. Be inclusive.

Don't assume that the child or family won't want to attend an event on the basis of their disability. Even though my child can't eat pizza, give him the chance to come to your pizza party if he's comfortable with it. Let the child or the family decide for themselves what is or is not within their comfort zone. Being welcome as part of the group and giving us the opportunity to feel "normal" even for just an hour, does wonders for our emotional health.

3. Offer to tag along on errands or doctors appointments.

It can be difficult handling errands solo and as much as my husband and I try to do things together to minimize the chaos, it's not always possible. Having someone to tag along to help with the mundane tasks is a great way to show support and lend a hand.

4. Don't offer unsolicited advice.

Trust me. That mom (or at least this mom) has researched all kinds of ways to get their child to eat his chicken nuggets. The last thing (this) mom wants to hear is how you added cheese to Sally's broccoli to get her eating her vegetables. I assure you that all of us dealing with eating challenges wish it was that simple.

5. Educate yourself on the limitations.

If it's food, as is our case, offering to supply Alex's favorite brand of cracker so he has a safe food available at a social event always touches my heart. Maybe its an offer to keep a pack of Pediasure in your fridge so he has something to drink when you babysit (see helpful pointer #1) or keeping a bowl of easy to grab safe snacks... Find out what we need day to day and send a care package with survival items or sign up for coupons to help us with the financial burden that might be associated with their care. Little things that you can learn about our children show the love and respect you have for us.

6. Provide a meal.

Especially during rocky situations or times of transition, meal times are stressful for reasons like not having the time to shop or prepare meals easily or being limited on funds to properly stock our kitchens. Maybe the child was hospitalized. Maybe the dad was in a car accident. Maybe mom lost her job. Maybe it's just the first week of school. Any one of those situations means a break in the routine and stress on the family. Maybe it's not convenient to cook and bring over a meal or you think you live too far away to help. Sending a gift card or ordering a pizza for delivery can be a huge burden off the family's shoulders.

7. Run car pool.

Simple. Offer to pick up the kids from school or wait with them at the bus stop. Not much to this one but those extra few minutes might be the opportunity for them to actually grab a cup of coffee.

8. Call/Text them to show your support.

I'd probably say text. 9 times out of 10 I don't actually want to talk on the phone. My attention is going in 20 different directions and having to focus on a conversation just adds to the stress. It's nice having someone I can text with that understands I might not send coherent messages or reply until 2 days later. Someone that won't judge when I send a picture of the most random situation I'm dealing with and can laugh at my shortcomings while being real with me that I'm not alone.

9. Don't be mad if plans change.

It's easy to be disgruntled when plans change. Especially if it's habitual. But sometimes we can't help it. It might be that we're avoiding germs to keep everyone as healthy as possible or therapy sessions ran over their scheduled time. While we try to keep our routines and lives as stable as possible, it seems like curve balls are always being thrown and I can assure you, we don't cancel because of anything personal against our friends and family (at least in most cases). It's more out of pure survival that we have to adjust leading to having to skip that play date or family dinner.

Do you have something to add? Leave a comment with what helpful things others have done that have helped your family.